dark places.

I wrote this a couple days ago.

It’s been 15 years today.  I remember playing on the playground and seeing the smoke rise in the distance.  I remember being picked up mid-day from school with my brother and feeling confused about the stray from routine.  I remember seeing an endless line of emergency vehicles.  I remember seeing what was left of my house smoking in a pile of ashes.  I remember people telling me my brother and Gram had only gone on a walk and they would be back shortly.  I remember the pain in my stomach when I realized they were never coming home.  I remember someone cradling me as I cried and felt as though I was dying on the inside.  I remember the sound of my Dad’s cry hurt me the most.  I remember the feeling of despair, wondering if the pain would ever cease.  I remember my mom not being able to be awake without crying.  I remember the days that passed wondering if life would ever be normal again.  I remember the funeral with two caskets.  I remember being grateful I had turned back that morning to give Gram a kiss goodbye.  I remember people being so generous, yet not knowing how to respond to the depth of our grief.  I remember thinking if God wasn’t real I would quit, right then and there.  I remember locking my heart away in a box and living in a shallow state of numbness for fear my wounded heart would bleed to death if not kept safe. 

I have forgotten most of the next 8 years.

I remember the time I first decided to share my story again.  I remember peering into that box and feeling a wave of grief hit me like a tsunami, like an infected wound being re-opened.  I remember wondering what I had done, yet relieved I could breathe normally again.  I remember the years that followed, slowing opening the box, but always being sure not to open it too far as I still feared bleeding to death.  What I didn’t realize is that it is impossible to fully live with your heart in a box.  Without outside connection there is no blood flow, no life-giving support.  I thought the box would keep me safe, when in reality, it was slowly killing me.  I remember finally realizing that in order to heal, I had to bleed.  From this point on, the bleeding seemed a bit more tolerable because I could now see the benefit.  I remember times of distinct healing taking place in the midst of intense bleeding.  I remember the day God began to replace the darkness with light, when blood began to flow again.  I remember the day God showed me how much He had cried with my family.  I remember the day God told me it was never His intention to have an empty chair at the dinner table.  I remember the day I no longer felt the deep pain of despair.  I remember the first time I got to hold someone after losing a loved one and realized this is what it’s about.  I remember the first time I forgave myself for putting my heart in a box and the freedom that came with relief.  I remember the first time I felt gratitude for the tragedy because I saw the intimacy with my Creator it had produced. 

I like to think I open my box a bit more each day, and every day there is less and less bleeding.  The wound will live as an eternal reminder of my story, my journey.  To be honest, I wouldn’t trade my story for a second, knowing there is nothing greater than the intimacy and trust produced from walking through dark places, only to realize the light was walking next to you the whole time.

contentment.

God has been teaching me so much about contentment.  I have felt and noticed so much unrest in my soul recently.  I believe it comes from a place of 'wish' a place of discontentment.  When I am with people, I crave solitude.  Yet when I am alone, I crave fellowship.  My position of unrest then, must not be coming from my circumstances, as I presume, but from a deep unrest that must be dethroned.  I believe my unrest stems from a part of me not right in my relationship with God.  It always seems to work itself out and reveal its ugly head in relationship with others, yet the root problem lies with my relationship to the Father.  God says I lack no good thing if I fear Him (Ps. 34:10), yet my flesh screams I am being deprived, so where is the disconnect?  The disconnect then must be in my perception of my 'needs.'  God says He will supply all my needs and provide, yet I don't feel like that is true, so it's my perspective that must change instead of my present circumstance.  Contentment is therefore based on my perspective, not circumstance.  If I am able to learn this lesson now, how much joy and peace I will carry with me throughout my days.  Thank you Lord for this lesson, please give me your perspective.

I see the same to be true in any circumstance I feel 'forced' into.  I love camping, sleeping outdoors and living off minimal supplies.  Yet in Vanuatu, we stayed in huts with no running water and I felt miserable.  So what was the difference?  Not my circumstances, those remained the same (sleeping on the ground, sleeping outside); it was in my perspective, my ability or lack there of to choose my accommodation.  In one situation, outdoor living is viewed as a luxurious escape from reality and convenience.  In the other, it feels like a primitive cage.  The difference: my perspective.

The same holds true with solitude.  If I am choosing solitude, it's beautiful, restful and relaxing.  Yet if I feel forced into solitude back a lack of friends or things to do, I feel lonely and rejected.  The difference: my perspective.

To learn contentment then, seems like one of life's greatest treasures and most difficult feats.  Contentment runs alongside humility.  Humility is having God's perspective on everything, on my identity, my circumstances, my needs, etc.  Without humility, contentment lies far from reach.  We must ask God continually for His perspective.  To pray that God would reveal to us we need nothing but Christ, yet in Him, we possess everything.

To be content requires us to flee from comparison and jealousy, to be in a continually position of gratitude and thank God for what we have been entrusted to steward, whether it be health, relationships, or a simple skill.  To be content requires a consistent heart of gratitude, it requires us to acknowledge that every good gift is not given to us because we are deserving, but because God is good, kind and generous.

I believe one of the reasons for my discontentment is because my standards are too high for my life and what it should look like.  I have unconsciously placed my self-worth in my business, popularity and responsibility at different times.  Yet God tells me my worthiness comes from Him alone.  So my striving for relationship or activity is coming from a strong sense of a need to feel worthy, to be wanted.  If only I would begin to understand how much my Father desires me and wants me.  Jeremiah 3:3 says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love and drawn you in with loving kindness."

God please forgive me for placing unrealistic demands on you, myself and others.  Please forgive me for going to others to fulfill my twisted sense of worthiness.  You said that I am worthy and you sent your son to die to show the extent of this.  Please change our perspective Lord.  Help us to have a truthful perspective of our needs, of your gifts.  Please continue to reveal to us how much you love us and delight in us.  We love you.

much, much more.

Sorry I haven't updated the blog in quite some time, I will do my best to update it more often:)  God has been teaching me so much here and I want to continue to share with you what He's been teaching, that maybe He has a similar revelation in store for you.  I pray that as you read God speaks to you, reveals Himself to you and you begin to see more and more truth.

A group of us were reading Romans 5 the other day.  I love Romans, it makes so much sense for me and really lays out what the gospel means and does.  When we were reading, I began to see so much grace.  Paul talks of our sins, our past life a number of times, but each time, he basically says, 'yeah, but how much more grace is there than sin.'  I grew up believing I was a Sinner and that would never change.  Of course Satan wants us to continue to believe we are nothing, but Sinners; and without Jesus this is true.  But this is not the case, Jesus has come and redeemed us, made us new!  Satan wants us to continue to believe that we are Sinners, because then we will never become anything different, we will never accomplish what God has for us.  We will remain a beggar in the streets while God is calling us to be His kings and queens.

God has revealed to me more and more over the last few years that we are no longer Sinners, but Saints!  How cool is that!  Not because I am good or worthy, etc. but because Jesus has justified me and "seated me at the right hand of the throne of God," Ephesians 2:6.  The reality is that you are already perfect, you just have to journey with God and see the outworking of that here on Earth.  So when we do sin; that's actually not who we are anymore; that's our 'old self' but we have been given a 'new self.'  We are children of the Most High God, lets start living that way and become who God created us to be.

Back in Brisbane.

On Thursday we landed in Brisbane, Australia.  We were a bit tired and jet-lagged, but we were home.  We were a bit shocked by the heat and humidity here, but I'm not complaining:)  As of today, all our outreach teams have arrived back safely.

We had a great time finishing the outreach in Cusco.  One of the churches we helped and partnered with gave us a farewell lunch party and said thanks.  The last couple days we prayed and worshiped over the city and did a bit more kids ministry.

Overall, we were so grateful for our time in Cusco and on the Inca Trail.  I know so much more was done in the spiritual realm in and through us, even more than what we experienced and saw.  When we landed in Peru the first time, God said, "Things are not as though they appear."  God taught me so much about His reality.  We are faced with the choice of perspective daily.  We can choose to see the world around us as reality or we can choose to see God's reality.  On days where I was tempted to be down or discouraged, God reminded of Psalm 32:10 "The Lord's unfailing love surrounds those who trust Him."  When I feel attacked or discouraged about something, I can choose to take the perspective of the world I see, or I can choose to believe that God's unfailing love is surrounding me, even if I don't feel it.  So often we base our perspective on our emotions, but God wants our stability to be deeper than our emotions, He wants us to be unshakable in Him.  Choose to believe what God says about you.  What is He saying about you right now?  What is His perspective?  Take a moment to ask Him, He wants to tell you, He's trying to tell you, all you must do is listen.  God speaks loud enough to those who are listening.

Thank you so much for all your support and prayers, we appreciate you so much!